Weepy...hmmm, is there a better word to describe what I am?
bawl baby. non-stop crying. constant tears.
It's kind of funny at times when I have no idea why I'm crying. Hubs just laughs at me and I laugh/cry at myself. Today I'm a bigger mess than usual because I didn't sleep lat night. It wasn't even totally to blame on my 6 day old baby. I get anxiety after I have my babies. Baby blues or postpartum I don't know.
My first night in the hospital after I had Benson my body could not shut down. I just couldn't sleep for some reason. Tears, prayers and an ambien later I fell asleep. It's hard enough not getting sleep due to nursing but when it's your body that won't shut down it's really frustrating.
This is a trial for me. We had a lesson in relief society a few weeks ago about the Jew's and when they reached the red sea after escaping bondage. God had delivered them thus far from the Egyptians but for some reason they couldn't see how he could deliver them now. They doubted and feared and assumed they would be murdered by the sea shore.
This is my red sea.
My labor and delivery was miraculously smooth. I felt God with me every step of the way and thanked him for such a blessing. Now I am facing this new obstacle that doesn't appear to have any quick fixes and I find myself struggling to have faith in the next day or moment. I am constantly battling "I can't do this" thoughts and chasing away tears every time I am left alone.
So here's what has helped so far... 1. A night time routine for myself to help me unwind and get ready to sleep and having everything ready for night feedings before Benson's last feeding so I can lay down when he does. 2. Reading a talk this morning that provided me with peace and the inspiration to memorize a scripture (Isaiah 41:10) to give me strength when I need it. "The power of scripture" By Elder Richard G. Scott
3. Counting my blessings: (Although this does nothing to help the water works) I just think of how lucky I am to have my sweet, sensitive, helpful, wonderful, husband and pretty much burst into tears... like I am right now as I'm writing this.
It was worse with Eden because I couldn't see the end and I couldn't see myself feeling normal. But in the bad moments I can't see myself feeling normal again this time either.
Any suggestions? Have you ever felt like this?
12 comments:
yes we have all felt that way! hang in there because it does get better. i had a hard time adjusting to two kids and after a few months it just clicks and you know you can do it. i promise you are doing great. just breathe.
Hi Soph! Having never had a baby, I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I do know about anxiety and tears. I am a big time cryer, and sometimes feel so overwhelmed with an emotion (any emotion--happy, sad, etc) that I really don't know how to do anything but just cry. I tell myself that I am experiencing life so fully, that my body just doesn't have space to contain it all. Not sure if that is true, but it helps me to think that maybe it is a blessing to feel so deeply (??). Sometimes I have to wonder if it is more of a burden, haha :) And as for the anxiety, I have some major anxiety in my life. It has just always been there, most of my life. I am not sure why some people are just a little ore tightly wound than others, but I am one of them for sure. I love your idea about memorizing scripture! That helps so much! I have to repeat to myself all day Jeremiah 29:11. Helps me to get a grip and remember that He is here and in control and that He is working out all the details. Thank Goodness we are never alone!! Okay, I have written a novel here :) But basically, what I want to say is, I think you are an amazing person, someone who feels things deeply, and someone who has a beautiful relationship with God. He is building you up right now to be an even more amazing lady, which is hard to imagine!! :) Much love!
Yes, I've been there. I couldn't sleep at night and even when I did, it was very shallow with tossing and turning. Then it got to the point where I kept thinking that any moment the baby would be waking up to eat again, but it was just the baby making noises in her sleep...but I couldn't sleep through it!
I would cry and eventually the crying accompanied nausea that I would get as my husband was getting closer to leaving for school in the morning. I just felt overwhelmed about being left alone.
4 months later, I discovered that I had post partum. I'm not saying you have that, that was me. My main trigger for crying/overwhelmed feelings stemmed from lack of sleep. People can go into depression from lack of sleep alone. Then mix in post pregnancy hormones, and you've got an assortment of fun stuff to deal with.
Get help from family and friends. Ask for Eden to have play dates and your friends to come pick her up to make it easier for you. And SLEEP. Sleep during every single one of the baby's naps. At least try to so that eventually you'll sleep during one of the naps. Start your evening earlier, going to bed earlier, and give yourself permission to let most of your household duties slide.
This won't last forever, although it seems like it will never end. If this still doesn't help after a few weeks, go and see a Dr. for suggestions/advice/help.
Good luck. My heart goes out to you as I've journeyed through this hormone shift that you're experiencing 3 times myself.
Yes. It can be overwhelming. Trust me, my youngest is 11 months old and I still have days like this.
BUT
Call your visiting teachers, RS Pres, family, anyone! And ask for help. There is no shame in asking someone to stop by for an hour so you can rest.
PPD is a real thing and can hit hard. Letting others know that you are having these thoughts and feelings is a good thing. They'll look out for you and check up on you.
People ask how I do it with 5 kids. My answer: I don't do it alone. I get overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated, and depressed. Yet I manage because I have help and support. So do call upon people that are willing to help. (Heck, who wouldn't want to watch your sweet babies??) You will get into a routine which will help both you and the babies.
Prayers for you to get through it, going from one to two is HARD. Love you!
Hi,
I stumbled upon this blog via the sisters 4 blog. I would usually never leave a comment on someones blog that I don't even know, but I just felt prompted to let you know that you are not the only one who has felt like this. I experienced extreme anxiety after the birth of each of my children. I didn't have much anxiety during the pregnancies or during my labor and c-sections. However, just being alone with my newborn freaked me out! I hated late night feedings because I was all alone. I even remember making my mom come stay with me for a day once while my husband was gone for the day. I did all the same things, always have everything prepared, make a routine, pray, etc. I do think those things help. Just get as much rest as you can (like that is so easy :)) I really felt like getting a good consecutive few hours made all the difference. All I know that is in time it got better and by the time I was physically feeling better I was mentally back on track too.
Don't forget to ask for help. Good luck and congrats on your beautiful baby!
You are not alone, soph! I know it's hard to imagine, but very soon you will feel whole and normal again, and you having two kids will be as natural as breathing. until then, it can really stink! Hang in there!
Ok first of all let me remind u that ur body is totally going through some hormonal changes (remember GROWING a baby and then PUSHING it out???) yeah, that does a number on the emotions-believe me do i KNOW! So, with the sleeping thing. I'm sorry. I have been having a lot of bladder problems lately and would have to get up 15-30 times a night to use the restroom while my kids slept. I think for me it was the Lord trying to teach me to rely on him more. In His strength I can do all things, but for some reason (I must be more like my 3 yr old than i thought!) I just want to do it by myself. He gives us so many things at once to remind us that we CAN"T do it on our own because we are not MEANT TO...Don't worry, take one day at a time. Try and get them to rest at the same time during the day if u can so that u can lay down too. Or if the baby is resting turn on a educational show for ur daughter and close ur eyes. Cat naps do wonders for exhausted mom's (I should know =) and then also know that we are praying for u and call if u need to talk. I think the worst part is feeling alone in all of this-AND U R NOT! Any mom understands!
Yep, I know what you mean, I definitely did the crying then laughing because WHY AM I CRYING?! and crying because you're hungry, because your boobs hurt, because you're tired, because your baby will never sleep through the night, etc, etc. I think everyone goes through this, they just don't talk about it, so good for you for talking about it! It will get better, take it one day at a time!
I'm sorry you're having a hard time Sophie. The first couple months after Juliette was born was really one of the hardest times of my life. One thing that helped me was playing church music in my house. It brings such a sweet spirit with it. I also got Priesthood blessings from Mike quite a few times, and that gave me comfort that nothing else could. I hope you start feeling better soon. And let me know if you need help with anything, or just a visitor, I would love to come see you!
Soph, you've been given great advise, good friends :) I know what you're going through. with this being our first baby, I have felt all the same things. But I kept thinking when will it end, people would sympathize and tell me that it is just the first few weeks, for me it lasted a full 6 weeks. Baby Wes is now just about 8 weeks and I can say that I am feeling more myself and I can see a routine coming through. Just like you said, keep close to the Lord. You're not alone and he is with you. He knows the desires of your heart and intentions of being the best mom. You can do this! And Baby Benson is a doll, absolutely your little one for sure! Miss you! Be strong.
I'm so sorry Sophie. I have had really hard postpartums. Really hard. And lately i have had some major anxiety issues that I feel like are ruining my life. I have found that reading my scriptures regularly (sometimes several times a day) really helps. And getting out of the house! Which I know is impossible with a newborn, but I think it makes a difference. Hang in there!
I don't really know what you are going through since I don't have kids (well I'm pregnant with my first!) so I'm sure in a few months I will know exactly what you are feeling. BUT I took a class on "baby blues" and postpartum and they say 80% of new moms feel some sort of "baby blues" and the 9th and 10th day after the baby is born is the hardest because being tired starts to really take it's toll and generally husbands, moms, family that were there helping leave and go back to work. SO just know the worst is probably over and you can feel better by getting exercise, going outside, eating nutritiously, and trying to rest and relax. Also use lost of help from family and outside supports. When I get really tired I cry, so I'm sure after having a baby I will have lots of water works! Good Luck, your little guy looks adorable.
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